My Nan just died, but its funny how life goes on.
Through it all Mountain was wonderful. He held me when I cried and ended up with dashed plans cause we didn't know what was happening with Nana. It was cool. He went for the second weekend in a row, out to Chilliwack, to the grammas house to see his Tea. Taking her for lunch. Taking her for icecream.
Lord forbid that Leah ever just be alone with her daughter.
So last night when he announced that he was getting Tea this weekend........
no i didn't blow. But I could feel this rage inside me.
I asked why? Why do I feel like this?
Firstly I have this work thing I am supposed to go to on Sunday. ....Boss Mitch took my idea of a simple wine tasting presentation at the restaurant to ...... getting a limo, everyone pitching in 20bux, and going to the winery right after the restaurant closes on Sunday afternoon at 3pm. Its actaully a decent idea...but.....
WoW! Great! Thats 4 hours out of my Sunday I'm really not sure I am prepared to give up. Charley can go to a co-workers house....but its a school night. I'm not back till 7....routine.....bedtime.....and just leaving her at someones house that she's Never been to before for 4 hours is gonna be a problem. So that means leaving her here with Mountain. Fine.
Oh but now he'll have his precious Tea so he doens't know and what about getting her home and........
I'm like what the Fuck!
I'm jumping around alot. Does this make sense so far.
That furniture I bought a week ago is still sitting at the place. He can get his dad's truck, but it'll have to be early and be done cuz he has to pick up Tea so maybe I can find someone else........
Anyone have a truck and wanna lend me a hand?
I am also trying to figure out why this child and her presence has grown into such a complete piss me off thorn in my side!
If you'll remember the last time she was here there was no yes's. No routine. She outright insulted me and i nearly threw up watching Mountain "parent" her!
Fast Food for Breakfast lunch and dinner, wherever Tea wants to go and Whatever Tea wants to do is just not my vision of parenting. but Hey. Maybe I am just Too Old fashioned!
..............
so back to the simplistic problem of.....Tea is coming this weekend and why am I so angry. All he wants to do is see his girl. What is MY problem?
I will plan for dinner on Saturday at the normal time and Sunday I suppose I will go to the wine tasting and Mountain will just have to hang here with the girls till I get home. Simple enough.
They are coming into my life and I am the one including them.
I have not been inivited to be included in Their life.
If they don't like where they fit in then I guess they just gotta go.
and my anxiety about it is just that.......my anxiety.
Somehow I have to figure a way to calm this monster that is growing and let it go.
He has been so great. He's building the cabinet for Charlotte. He helps here at the house.
So what if every time we try to talk about anything in his life He Won't.
Like his mom on the island and what if
His dad in Chilliwack and What If
Us buidling a life together but only if its here and I am not included in decisions anywhere in his life. Its my problem and my anxiety.
Like my mom said.....if I want to make a big deal about it than I'll be saying goodbye to it. Is that what I want?
No.
this is the package she says. This is how he comes....with this baggage.
I am jsut so pissed.
Fuck. She hasn't even been here yet to do any of the shit I can't stand and I am already just so pissed off!
Its jsut got to stop.
These feelings of mine just have to Stop!
How do i let it go?
What is my problem?
Why am i so annoyed?
and who am I really mad at?
She will come. I will include her, like I always do as part of this unit of 4, and I will smile the whole time.
11 comments:
I think the bigger problem isn't when she is there or now... but more so how she changes Mountain when she is around! Perhaps that is the issure you need to address with him. She is welcome!.... But as a family you as parents need to come up with ground rules, house rules for EVERYONE! Things you may need to let go a bit, things he may need to let go a bit. What you are each willing to compramize and what your dealbreakers are. As parents... IF you guys have another one you can't have 3 different sets of rules for each child. You guys have to come up with a system that works for ALL of you. So instead of attacking Tea and his parenting... approach it as: We have 2 kids and it seems they have different rules... lets sit down and decide as a parenting team what our goals are, what our rules are. Maybe even sit down all 4 of you and decide some house rules.... may mean changing some of yours that what accepting others in requires. Trust me, it will only get harder as they get older!!! I know what it feels like to have that resentment in the pit of your stomach.... if only....
Maybe it's wrong but for me it's there. The difference is hubby and I are on the same page... it will be 10 times more difficult if you are not!!! She is a wedge between us many times.... and we are a total team! If you are not a team she will tear you apart. Instead of worrying about schedules and times.... you may have to be flexible in that area, it's something he doesn't have control over and he would rather see her spur of the moment more than screw up his chances at seeing her! So maybe you need to relax on the when she is there.... and concentrate more on how when she is there it affects your relationship. It bothers you so much because when she is there is the only time you guys are not a team. You need to welcome him and her with open arms (for his sake) tell him you will be flexible and accomodating to whenever she comes but you guys need to set some house rules.... together and all 4 of you. Consequences, rules, disipline techniques. Cover all the bases... what is the 'house' rule if food is not finished?? You also may need to be a bit more accomodating as she was raised with a different meal plan... she may not like what you make... find out what kind of things she likes and try to incorporate it into what you make. I don't make seperate meals for my kids... but I make sure in every meal there is something I know they like and will eat. Let both girls be a part of it. She isn't used to rules... "we are still going to have lots of fun but we are going to set some rules to everyone feels important, respected and a part of the family"
Ask each girl "Tea what are some things we can make when you are here that you like to eat? What are some things that are important to you? What are some things you like to do?" make a list!
Queen "what are some things you would like to do when Tea is here for the weekend? What are some things that are important to you? What are some things you need Tea to respect? (toys, boundaries)"
Make a list of all 4 of your ideas... then come up with a list that incorporates all of them.
You can say "I think it's important that when we are all together we sit down and have a meal together so we can talk about our day and share as a family" or "when we are all together I think it's important that no one has temper tantrums and we don't yell... if we yell when asking for something then no one will listen until you are speaking with a respectful tone of voice" What ever your issues are with her... address it as EVERYONE.... we don't....
Does that help at all?? Seems trivial but it makes Tea feel important and a part of everything... makes mountain not feel attacked.... gets some of your issues out.
Have a list up... "House rules" Queen knows them and they may seem like common sense to you... but not everyone is on the same page right now. And you can tell Mountain one of the best gifts he can give to show Tea his love is some stability.. 'if you do this... this will happen' .... he can give her some rules and guidelines, kids push against them but they really love and need boundaries... knowing what to expect. You both need to give and take!
thanks
what happens when he shows up here at 5pm SAturday cause Tea wants to ride bikes with The Queen and Tea just eaten at McDonalds. We eat our supper at 5:30/6Pm. If he calls first its easy....i'll just say come after supper.....but....
How do I enforce the "we don't live on Take-out rule"
Kids talk. Charlotte is not an idiot
Especially when she shows the next morning after being at IHOP for breakfast?
Where-ever Tea is concerned, you are right, we are sooo not a team. I try. I've even e-mailed the mom to try to work somehting out. All 3 of us need to work as a team with her, and its so very frustrating to be the only one of the cogs that knows or see's it!
He insists that he can see his girl whenever he wants. All he has to do is call. Its totally up to him........
So then what the F?
So I suggested he and I sitting with a calendar for the next month and taking a look.
one of the things he's said to me is that he can't always "afford" to see her. My response...."the only thing you should be needing to 'afford' is gas" The rest of everything she needs is here. So whwats the problem? I asked him. Not much to say, but he did get very agitated.
So I have to give up my scheduled life for this kid. My weekends. Fine.
but how my days unfold? Its like I am always waiting for company and never knowing when they are going to show up. I find it very unsettling.
I like your suggestions.
What can you suggest for that?
Maybe a list of what we will be doing at what time on the weekends??? A kind of skeletal outline....breakfast, chores, lunch, yard work, out, dinner, relax....
What do you think?
You know my opinion on this. I have a truck and can pick up your stuff friday night. If there is a lot I will bring dad's truck. let me know.
yes I do Steph.
and you have had great suggestions too!
the store closes approx 5. so in the weekday night is not so workable. and yes...a bigger truck. So it can all be done in one hit!
I am trying to work it all together to work it with a man that IS NOT OPEN to discussion, opinions, or anything that will "change" the current arrangement
you have way more patience that i do -
i guess the question is - is he worth it?
Yes I think he is worth it.
its actually good of you to ask. Made me think
Everyone has baggage. Adn fact is...anyone my age is going to have lots of it. Just different every time.
He is 'simple' and takes people for their word.
He is loyal. and does his best here. He helps me with the house and yard and groceries. He steps in with Charlotte. He loves me. He's wants to grow old with me.
he is stupid in this area.
He's got it in his head that this is how it supposed to go and I am a nutbar for thinking it should be any other way.
Dean did it and is doing it. He respects and I think looks up to Dean so he figures this is cool. I'm sure Dean works as a team however and wouldn't put his wife thru this Shit!
But since Dean hasn't said anything.....i'm sure cause he doens't know how out of hand this has gotten.....
Yes I beleive Lyle is "worth it"
I just have to figure out how to approach, deal, and be strong enough to do it. Somehow he has to hear that he should be on my side. Not in the middle and definantly not on Leah's.
But since my voice is the ONLY one telling him that.......
its kinda like a kid always hearing mom say clean up your shoes and not listening, but as soon as dad, or gramma says, you know it gets done.
Okay... I hate the schedule list idea... that's just ME though! I HATE schedules! Schedules give me anxiety! Pick your dealbreaker. For me... it's supper... we all sit down for supper every night! Other meals doesn't matter so much, but we connect and talk about our days etc at supper time. For me I would put my stipulation on supper. Here is what time we have supper at..... just make sure you either come before or after supper. Or you can call in the afternoon before you start making supper ... are you going to be here? other wise wait till after supper. As for the eating out...we are the boring parents who don't let our kids eat loads of junk... even my hubby eats more junk than I would like and Lenore asks why can my dad have that and I can't? I tell her I am trying to teach her to make good choices and be healthy, he is a grown up and I can't conrtol him, I'm hoping she makes better choices. I mean what are you doing that's so important that you can't have company pop over? I don't mean that rudely, I just mean... our weekends unless we have something planned and I would need to tell him 'hey we won't be here this is where we are going and what we are doing' why can't they come and go? Or you could approach it as communication... not a you need a schedule.... just a hey let me know what you are up to... here is what I am up to. You need to pick what is really important to you... pick your battles. Is your number one priority dealing with how he parents? Is it when they come over? Is it the schedule?? Which is it because you can't bombard him with all. IF it's being on the same page... start with that! Work on a system to treat the girls equally... but you need to make an effort to treat them equally too! Pick your battles, pick what needs dealing with now... what can wait... and what you will let go! If you guys are more of a team I think the other stuff will fall into place a bit more.
I cannot funtion without a schedule! I think mountain needs to appreciate that kristi can't either! Just because one person can function without one doesn't mean the other person can. Kristi is a planner not just time but money. She needs to budget for the extra people she may or may not be feeding. Double the people is a big jump! UGH!! He is being so ignorant to your needs K I am getting pissed!
I sympathise with your situation. I don't think it's an easy one to figure out at all and that is where the anger is building from. You seem a person that nuts out probs and finds a solution and you can then move on. This is one thats proving not so easily solvable, and therein lies your frustration. Mainly because others are refusing to see your point of view or assist you.
He does seem to have it in his head that it is HIS contact, HIS relationship with her and you and Charlotte haven't been meshed in to that in his head yet.
You'll just have to keep chipping away at the man ... it does take a huge mindset shift for a bloke ...that there needs to be ground rules and consistency for ALL of you and that it is better (in the long run) to approach it as a family/team. Start by asking him to change ONE thing and STICK to it.
Good luck!
I like the not bombarding him.
1 thing at a time.
eating togehter when he is here is Never a problem. Its knowing whether or not he is going to be here.
like Steph said....I don't only budget time, but money. Cooking for 2 or 4 is a huge jump. Thats the difference between canned saLmon and brown rice to porkchops and mashed potatos.
Coming and going is not the End of the world, but i never know when it is going to happen. I am busy on my days off. Especially now that I can be outside. Having to stop to entertain or watch another kid.....mine is already trained.
I don't appreciate that eating out is so cavalier and then both of them bring that knowledge back and it affects Charlotte. She gets jealous or upset and then picks at me about it and then I just get damn mad!
How do you stop them from doing their own thing that you don't agree with on their own time?
You can't. so thats why I would just prefer them not to be here.
Mountain will be looking after both girls on his own Sunday afternoon cuz I have a work thing. Then he is having to take C with him when he drops T off. So I think that will give them some 3some time that they need. And then soem one on one time for he and C.
It might help him to understand or see a bit more how differently he treats them.
Yes! That is unfair! My kids would freak if one had home food for dinner and the other had mcdonalds! So unfair, and not your choice so why do you have to deal with the consequenses! The one thing is good, I would pick something that bothers you the most!
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