In Limbo & Terified

Its a little known fact taht I have some low self esteem in some areas. In most things I am insecure and I battle depression every day since I can remember. I used to have wicked anxiety, but its not so bad anymore. The Pinks did help to distinguish some of it.

There is nothing like being told or figuring out, that you are not good at things. Or qualified to do somehting. Or when you work really hard to get somewhere and don't. This has happened to me. I am sensitive. I am sensitive about it. I tried different things. Some things I failed at. Others i found that I could do, but lost myself and became miserable or angry. I am scared to not be happy or content as my mind plays tricks on me.

It can be very dangerous for me to be unhappy, depending on the tone of the unhappy. and that scares the Carp out of me.

I took a test at my non-course. It was just over an hour long. It was a bunch of different little tests. It was to measure aptitude. It was a straight measure. I had to do math on the fly, shape recognition, verbal ect. I did ok. I'll share the results in a moment. It was a straight up test to pop me into jobs that I would be able to do with the skills I possess. and Then the computer shuffles it all around and out of 995 suggested occupations 481 came up. Then we had to 'short-list' it with the personality tests we had taken. I am very social & support is important. The computer spit out 24 occupations --- Air transport Ramp attendant, ambulance attendant and paramedic, animal control officer, athlete, bus & streetcar driver, communication systems operator, companion (i read this as Hooker) door attendant, driver's licence Examiner, FOOD & BEVERAGE SERVER, Front desk Clerk (other than Hotel), Guest service attendant & Baggage Porter, Licenced Pratical Nurse, MAITRE D & HOST, nurse Aide and Orderly, receptionist, school bus driver, secretary (except legal and Medical), security guard, ship attendant, telephone solicitor and telemarketer, ticket taker & Usher, train service attendant, visiting Homemaker(i read this as Hooker that makes house calls) - -- that was my short list of 24 jobs.

my aptitudes were this

- General Learning ability *middle third

- Verbal aptitude * Top one-third

- numerical aptitude *bottom-third

- Spatial perception *Top one-third

- Form Perception *top 10%

- Clerical perception *top one-third

I use humour a lot to get me thru stuff. I like to find the funny. Its important for me to find the funny and the lite side of things. The part of stuff that is positive, as I can sink like a rock really fast when I don't.

That short list upset me. Especially when it went me right back in the direction I came from and can no longer do. So I read hooker in a couple of them just to perk up my spirits.

I have applied for so many jobs and been called for the ones that are sales commission based.

I am still looking for work and applying, but I am being sparing now because i am waiting to hear about my funding for school. There is also Not a whole lot out there. This is a small town in which we live and I know so many people in it. Getting hired and then having to quit will not be good. Going on interviews for jobs I have no interest in is bad too. and being sent the nice form letters, that in not so many words tell me I am a loser really isn't good for me.

ive been wearing my big girl panties a lot lately and they've been holding up pretty good as i step waaay out of my comfort zone, but I am scared they are going to burst!

my Sister got on me yesterday about getting a job. I told her I was looking, but not going hard as I am waiting to hear about my funding. I tried to explain to her that once I know if I have funding or not then it makes a difference on how I am applying. I mean, if I don't get funding, I apply for anything and everything. Right now I am being kinda picky, not that I have much choice, but in my head I do. She got irritated with me. I can understand that. But I couldn't help but think, can't you hear me?

I didn't want to tell her how devestating it is to look at all these jobs and see diploma required. For a receptionist? WHAT! or for a lot of the office jobs, they want you to have gone to school for business courses or EXPERIENCE or something. They have initials in the job descriptions and requirements that don't mean anything to me. I had been applying to them anyhow since November; At the end of January i got called for an interview. Now this was the part that sucked. I got called because the person recognized that I worked at Madison's and knew who I was. (that part was good) they were excited cuz i was really good at my job there and they thought there would be no reason i wouldn't be good at my job in their office. I am bubbly and cheerful! Guess what - i have no experience. The amount of training I was going to need was not an option.

i felt as though i made an ass of myself in front of one of my peers. I am sure this person went back and told their co-workers.

not in a snickery way, but just told them i was in and too bad i have no experience. Word travels. I know it does and people talk.

After that I thought. You know, had I already been to school and at least had soemthing more on my resume other than foodsafe, ECE & SIR ....... they may have invested the time in training. If i had listed my 2 Diploma's I hope to achieve in the next few months, i may have not been such a risk. Even if it isn't in insurance. Now, That office won't look at me again.

Tons of Common-sense, but what is that good for? Life-skills up the yingYang - once again ............ oh yah! I used all that and honed it when I was serving ......... right ........ you don't see common-sense or life skills on any list of job requirements.

Try to explain that to my Sister.

She says, just tell them you are waiting for school. They'll understand. Isn't it good that they know you? Not Always -

I am not looking for the throw away retail or restaurant, coffee shop job. I am unable to do them now. This really is a small town and people talk. I can't afford to offend a potential boss by taking a job and then 3 wks later quitting! Especially if I DON'T get a job in an Autoplan office and need to make nice with those people in May/June to be employed.

"Hi. My name is Kristi. I am Not qualified and I am here to waste your time"

Its bad enough I fucked over my opportunity at Sears. In the back of my mind I keep thinking of that. My resume has a big black mark on it. They won't look at me again. Not that it was THE place to work, but it was and is a good company. And would have been a for now job, or a forever company - and i wrecked it by accepting an interview way back in November. She wanted to hire me and i had to say no. There was too much lifting and stairs ....... i was honest. I never should have been honest. She wrote BACK INJURY on my resume.

Not to mention the shots my self-esteem is receiving from the interviews and the resume's I've put out there that haven't gotten any response ........I didn't want to tell her that either.

is it better to let her think I am just sitting here day after day doing nothing? kinda, not really, no.

Is it better to tell her I have sent out 2 dozen resumes over the last months or so and heard nothing. Is it better to tell her, yes i have been on interviews, but those jobs weren't right for me. Or I couldn't do them? NO. Is it better to tell her that i am looking and there is nothing I am qualified to do. Is it better to tell her how frightened and scared i am that I won't get hired. That I won't find a job. Taht nobody wants me? NO. That is definitely not a good thing to tell her. Never show weakness to my Sister or my Mother. They dive into the wound with a bag of salt!

Is it better to tell anyone that I am scared to go to school and fail. That my learning abilities are what i knew and know they are. I don't learn easy. I had to pour EVERYTHING I had into college before. To graduate high-school ......same thing. Its a real truthful struggle for me. What If I get this funding, get to school, and Fail?! I mean its just not an option, but what if I do even though I am giving it my all!!!

or what if afterwards i go with my diplomas, clenched tightly in my fist and nobody will hire me?! I am so terified.......

So here I sit.

going over Job banks. Searching for a job I am able to do. Something I can just work at hoping today is the day i hear from the ministry about my funding. So I can stop sending out a resume here or a resume there. Hoping that the light I see way off in the distance isn't going to burn out. Keeping my head up and checking my big girl panties for pulled seams that are coming apart ...........telling myself ........ everything happens for a reason. WAtch for the humor. Enjoy your time off with Charlotte. Always a Silver lining. My job will come, but it won't if I don't try ...........

I am vulnerable