Things in My Head

When you think about life - your life - I mean Really think about it, what things pop in to your head?

With this recent lung thing I've thought a lot about things. Things that pick my butt that stick in my head and don't go out. (still working on my wedding post) I think about passing people in my life. X-lovers and friends. Some to make amends with others ......... just a wondering aobut them.

i think about my life now and the things i tell myself I will do later. Or wouldn't it be cool if I did that or took Charlotte there, or eventually it will happen. WEll soemtimes eventually doesn't come. It needs to happen now. Be in the plan for Now. Take place really close to Now.

Got my applications for my upgrades to Life Insurance all looked after last week. They will be poking at m doctor for stuff. CArp! Gotta get this all looked after before my next birthday and before there is a definant diagnosis of the nothing in my lung! I have to make sure Charlotte is looked after.

Then while thinking of life insurance, the questions of beneficiary comes up. Mountain.

I was getting set to get the house in his name as well. To make him the beneficiary of my insurance to look after Charlotte .......... The realization for me that if I die next week, that woman and her kid will float back in to his life. That she will have her hand on his wallet and take all that I leave him. He will give it without thinking because that's what he does. He will be distraught and alone and will put his head on her shoulder without giving it a thought. She will take advantage of his emotions and weasle her way in. She will take from Charlotte. Charlotte will not get what is rightfully hers. Charlotte will suddenly come second.

No i do now trust or believe that will not happen.

So what am i doing then? So what am I doing here then .............

I think I've made a mistake