Its interesting when you feel yourself melting down, the people who are closest to you odn't notice.
( know that i am looking at my keyboard as i type. I am sure this will help later)
A my mind speeds up and the thoughts are so quick ... it funny how there are fail safes I've created. Not only in my home but in my thinking.
I;ve been here before.
Tomorrow I drive to Kamloops to see the Alice that is Ava and that is not mine. I drive alone. Probaly a good thing maybe a bad thing, I don't know. My emotions are higher than I cn even touch.We lost our dream. A home. A business and a home. My dad said no
was he right - I don't know. Sure the building need updating. Yes- but is it sound? Fuck dad, let an inapector take you off your horse for a second and speak to you.
it was such a good fit.
crash, crash, crash
you know your in trouble when you remember more of what happened when you've been drinking than when you weren't
sober days - weeks and the other day didn't remember I'd been at the gym. I am in trouble. Checking my life insurance for the exclusions. In trouble. Yet - in 2006 I recognized it and went to my doc ASAP. Whats differnt this time ?.....
Thoe pills were bullshit. I think I can handle it on my onw. I wish my husband would figure it out and let the pair he has descend.
Venting venting venting. this is good. Its been so long. I used to just let it go in this space. I felt safe. I am raw here. and everybody needs to be raw now and then
I rememmber letting so much more go. HA! more than otheres. dirty laundry so to speak. but guess what when you have no one to take it out daily ........ so on my own. so single, before mountian man came along.
ahhh - he wa a good thing. after tall dude... Tall dude - what the hell. What a mess that was. What a mistake. Oh my gosh. how i screwed up. Although, 7 year later, he is still doing what he did to me, pardon, his spouse/live in, so who's stupid.
is mountain man a mistake - no - i don't htink so. But i let him set presedence where it wouldn't have been set. scars were formed that can Never be removed. you only hope he doesn't open up the old wound. he made so many. so many thick ones ....
he is simple and I love him ..... look I din't marry him for his money or his car or his dick. I married him
I love Him
my mind sometimes goes faster than anyone esle can keep up with.
I go to se my new neice - Ava tomorrow - Alone. A drive alone - 3 hours there 3 hours back.
I will love her -
she is my Alice
( know that i am looking at my keyboard as i type. I am sure this will help later)
A my mind speeds up and the thoughts are so quick ... it funny how there are fail safes I've created. Not only in my home but in my thinking.
I;ve been here before.
Tomorrow I drive to Kamloops to see the Alice that is Ava and that is not mine. I drive alone. Probaly a good thing maybe a bad thing, I don't know. My emotions are higher than I cn even touch.We lost our dream. A home. A business and a home. My dad said no
was he right - I don't know. Sure the building need updating. Yes- but is it sound? Fuck dad, let an inapector take you off your horse for a second and speak to you.
it was such a good fit.
crash, crash, crash
you know your in trouble when you remember more of what happened when you've been drinking than when you weren't
sober days - weeks and the other day didn't remember I'd been at the gym. I am in trouble. Checking my life insurance for the exclusions. In trouble. Yet - in 2006 I recognized it and went to my doc ASAP. Whats differnt this time ?.....
Thoe pills were bullshit. I think I can handle it on my onw. I wish my husband would figure it out and let the pair he has descend.
Venting venting venting. this is good. Its been so long. I used to just let it go in this space. I felt safe. I am raw here. and everybody needs to be raw now and then
I rememmber letting so much more go. HA! more than otheres. dirty laundry so to speak. but guess what when you have no one to take it out daily ........ so on my own. so single, before mountian man came along.
ahhh - he wa a good thing. after tall dude... Tall dude - what the hell. What a mess that was. What a mistake. Oh my gosh. how i screwed up. Although, 7 year later, he is still doing what he did to me, pardon, his spouse/live in, so who's stupid.
is mountain man a mistake - no - i don't htink so. But i let him set presedence where it wouldn't have been set. scars were formed that can Never be removed. you only hope he doesn't open up the old wound. he made so many. so many thick ones ....
he is simple and I love him ..... look I din't marry him for his money or his car or his dick. I married him
I love Him
my mind sometimes goes faster than anyone esle can keep up with.
I go to se my new neice - Ava tomorrow - Alone. A drive alone - 3 hours there 3 hours back.
I will love her -
she is my Alice
3 comments:
What are we going to do?
I sit in worry.
yah - me too - cuz I barely remember writing this - I had not been drinking. Saturday was sober day - until well after supper had been made.
it seems I come in and out of it at this point.
so much better if I didn't even recognize it I think.
Fear adds to it.
Yeah - I am scared. I am losing my mind
didn't knwo what you meant in your text about reading ........ i just didn't remember this
Love you
You're okay girl. You're more normal than you think.
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