So as it turns out I'm in like with someone.
There was no real distinct moment I can talk about that we met.
And its kind of a complicated situation.
This brings me to my not sleeping that I mentioned last week. All the thinking I've been doing.
thinking.
thinking.
thinking.
thinking about my past. Thinking about my past relationships. Things I did or didn't do. Things i should have done and things I shouldn't. Secrets I didn't tell that only came back to bite me in the ass later.
Patterns I have.
this of course brings me to my present situation.
My caring for another person besides myself and my daughter.
I am scared to make another mistake. I'm scared of my own choices.
The big pattern I have of the emotionally unavailable man.
He is not necessarily emotionally unavailable like the other men I've liked.......
however, he is definantly physically unavailable.
but is that a bad thing?
i never thought so.
Llike SF said, than you will be forced to go slow and he wont' get the chance to use you. Cause thats of course another Huge fear.
Being used for sex.
Cause I just seem to fall into that so easily.
I'll admit it.
i use sex to keep a man. I confuse sex with love or caring or just giving a shit when it comes to a man giving a shit about me.
So being physically unavailable in this instance could be a very good thing!
Afterall I am working on a year of celibacy here!!!
Getting to know one another for months first.....
He has expressed his affections for me and let me tell you......
i don't think you could even imagine how nice it sounds to have soemone say nice stuff back.
Or maybe you can.
Well for me its been a long time since I've heard soemone tell me they care for me.
But there are a lot of fears.
For both of us.
The huge one of course is rejection.
The next for me are my floating feelings for Mike. Although its Totally done. I am scared of bringing any baggage with me. Mostly jsut the unaswered questions that sitll float around in my head. I've already recognized some of the same questions coming out with this new like of mine. They rear their ugly heads in fears.
Yes he knows all about Mike. I know its not far from his mind either as he doesn't want to be next in a long line of men to hurt me. Or to be hurt.
So now Here I sit wondering what do i do?
I mean its not like i am EVER attracted to anyone.
Now all of a sudden this man basically falls out of the sky and holy carp!!
I mean i'm in like with him.
What The Hell!
it just pisses me off!
i'm in like with soemone that is physically unavailable to me. How different is that than emotionally?
I can tell him anything. I hope he feels as though he can do the same.
We talk every day and I get giddy when the phone rings at out agreed upon time. I love to hear his voice on the other end once i figure out how to answer it. I think about him so much in the day its jsut stupid. A smile creeps upon my face when i think of our conversations. Even the ones with the wierd tone. I find myself so curious about him and I want to know more all the time. the more I let him in.........
What if he's not strong enough to hold me up?
Then the fear comes.
We go the next step and...................go off a cliff!!!
What if the rest of "it" is not there!?
What if it just can't work?
I'm in like with someone and I'm enjoying it. A Lot!
But I'm scared to death
13 comments:
What do you mean he is "physically unavailable"? Is he married, or does he just not like to be touched, or what?
deosn't live close by.
I'm sure he likes to be touched. hehe. Thats funny.
Married!!! yikes! Never! I wouldn't even get involved with a recently divorced man let alone a Married one!
Interesting....
:-/
oohhhh an internet crush. hehe.
i'm trying to go through my memories to see what advice you had for me back in a day when I in long distance like with someone.
Hmmm... can't remember right now. Maybe I've blocked it. LOL.
Anyways, yay for LIKE. Enjoy it. Unless locality changes, you can just enjoy it for what it is.
Take it day by day, Kristi, and be ok with the way things are for now.
Good luck!
Maybe you could analyze it a little more? Hahahahahah! No seriously let it develop as it may. Being that there is a physical distance this is a good time to develop an intellectual, emotional and spiritual relationship before the whole physical thing even happens. This could be a whole new beginning for you.
protect your heart, kristi, you have a good one and I would hate to see an anonymous person hurt ya.
jmo.
just figuring it out.
I'm enjoying the cloud. Its really nice. Just the fears creeping in is all. Its all good. No rush for anything. Just lots of excitement, lack of sleep, and loss of apetite!
I wonder if it is who I think it is. But you need to be careful because if you've never met him you might not be physically attracted in person.
WoW!
Its interesting the assumptions.
i now plead the fifth.
just riding the cloud away from doubt and fear. See where it goes.
yah, have fun! energizing isn't it?
I think this is a nice thing for you. Just take it on a day to day basis. I know that may be a hard thing to do, but I think it is the key to doing it sucessfully. No expectations. Every day a new day. Have fun with it. Most long distance romances don't work out, but that doesn't mean they can't, or that they can't be fun while they last. Good luck. You are a good person and you deserve all the happiness you can get.
A quote from my great-Aunt for you:
"Keep your eyes open, and your legs closed!"
heheh... :) Always my most favorite thing that she says. She's a total comedianne. But, y'know, it's great advice! So, I say get to know him in your celibate phase. Enjoy it. But keep your eyes open to notice if he's an "old pattern" guy, or a "new pattern guy".
Yeah! It's fun to have a crush! :)
Post a Comment