Fuck what a Bitch

I am driving towards my house.  I am on my lane.  I see in the distance an unfamilar vehicle parked close to my house. Oh its a truck.  Its Mntn's dad!  Ok.  Thats fine.  company as soon as I walk in the door.  Hmmmmm.  It'll be fine.  where the Hell is he parked?  He is Parked right in front of the neighbors driveway, blocking it!  Waht an ignorant man!  maybe the neighbor is out.  Nope there's their van parked across the lane on the road.  DAmn it!  How ignorant.  Why does this man have to be so daft all the friggin time?!!

I come in the house.  keep it light.  keep it light.  you know how you can get or sound

Hi (inlaw) how are you?!  Waht a nice surprise.  Did you know you were parked in front of the neighbors driveway.  You did!  Ummmm, well maybe you should move your truck.  you can park in front of our driveway.  Or infront of the house next door itself.  Yes soemone is living there!

he gets his shoes on and hi-tails it outside.  I am so embarassed and start the reel in my head all of the other things this man does that are ignorant to society and his family.

I am not going to be able to just come home, find out how Charley's Science club went after school hang with her and Mntn.  Have a quiet bath, eat..........maybe make it to the PAC meeting???  I'm  now going to have to entertain and visit.  There were a few other things I wanted to accomplish this evening as well.  Nope.  those things quickly fly out of my head as to what they were.

I see a full pot of coffee brewed.  now of course I happen to know i only had enough coffee left to brew almost 3 half pots of coffee.  No biggie.  I plan on doing a shop on Friday after the funeral.  WEll now I barley have enough for a pot tomorrow morning!  I am already home!  I could have picked it up! 

 I bark at Mntn.

he barks back.  I realize I am a tit.  He had intended to go pick some up as soon as his dad leaves.

I explain to him later after his dad left.  

I was bitchy cuz of his dad.  I coudn't yell at his dad, so I yelled about the coffee.  He understands.  he doens't agree, but he gets it.  WE hug and all is well. 

What the?

Stupid Charting!

Stupid Temperature taking!

dumb pains that I think are ovulation but my temp isn't changing!

What the Hell!  i am so frustrated.  I am currently looking for a chart online somewhere that I can just plug my numbers in each morning and it does the chart up for me.

Frig!  maybe I'll go buy a Farenheit thermometer too, that might help.  Or perhaps its just Fff'd over because I am just simply Not ovlulating.

My Sister cant get in to get the tests done she NEEDS becuase everyone is booked up.  

She has a specific test that they Have to do on the first day of your period.  She got it.  she's calling everywhere even out to Royal Columbian and she can't get in!  She is so sad.  I missed my brother-in-laws birthday on Friday.  i feel soooo bad about it.  I am a horrible person.

I JUST GOT A CALL!

Mountains car was stolen last night.  His little shit-box of a Micra!  they took it out of his parking stall drove it to another part of town, stole some womans nice truck and FO'd!  he got a call from the constable at 6:30 this morning while he was getting ready to leave for work.  it seems they didn't smash a window to get in.  they didn't pop the ignition.  he is a little concerned on how they got it started.  The steering collum is together.  Did they have a key?  yikes!  he says next time they should keep it.  How wierd is That?!

Ladies

I had just the best time EVER last night.

there is nothing like a group of bonded girls getting together.  I am still in awe that I am the only true flannel sleeper.   I Love my flannels!  can't imagine sleeping without them.  

I really honestly could have stayed up all night talking.

Mntn and I had words the next morning during brunch. 

I was sooo pissed with him that he wasn't up when I called home at 10AM!  So pissed!.  but then I have to remember. This parenting thing is new to him and Step-parenting even newer.  Charlotte is pretty self sufficient.  I mean its not like she's going to burn the house down if she's alone in the morning.  I jsut don't think its cool to leave your kid to tend to itself so that you can sleep in till after 10 without any adult.  Than he gets annoyed cause she was eating Oreos for Breakfast.  Well No Shit!  She's pulling a kid smooth operator move.  No adult up means she can get away with stuff she wouldn't normally do.  Mountain; dough-head!

So after I talked with him on the way home things were cleared up.  Him knowing, that when he called, I was sitting with my girls made him feel a bit uncomfortable.  He knows damn well fine I talked about it as soon as I hung up with him.

but when i walked in the door I had a very nice welcome.  And then we sat for a long time and I told him all about my evening. (even though we fought all the way thru that counselling session-we really did learn something) And he listened and was interested.  He was genuinely interested!  it was nice to sit,  jsut sit for a while and talk.  We don't do that very often.  Time and freedom not being on our side.

But mom was home and Charley was contented, the cat got the cuddle he needed and then Mntn touched base with me which is all he needed too.  That being the phone call.  I knowing thats all it was and him not.  i thanked him for being there and for being an important cog for my part of last night.  He is learning and so am I.

So much to talk about last night.  So much to still talk about.  We barely scratched the surface I know.  How we all have come to be.  I can't help but giggle that now Steph is not alone in her story of the conversation the first time she met Jewel!

Of course being able to laugh at things in the past.  

EAch of our relationships with one another, so unique.  EAch of you so very valuable to me.  EAch persons experiences to draw on for answers when I need them.  Thank - you.

There will be no deleting here

Blog On Dudes!

but it was nice.

Kristi is......

..........pretty darn tootin excited about seein Posse tomorrow night!

Its Been a Year Ladies!!

so its once a year.  so What!  and  a Welcome addition to our Posse.  We are an amazing group of Ladies that deserve this night together.........

i haven't worn make-up or deodorant since SAturday and I'm feeling pretty content about that.

Tomorrow - back to the grind and back to the grooming

Blog On!

A Crush?

the boy down the street confessed his Crush on Charlotte yesterday.

she is elated.

this is now on my fridge -

House Rules For Charlotte to Play with Boys


1) Charlotte may NEVER call on a boy.
2) If a boy would like to see her he can call on her. This means either on the phone or by Knocking on the front door.
3) Charlotte is Not allowed in a boys house or his backyard where I or Lyle can not see her.
4) Charlotte is not to play "alone" or with a boy where she can't be seen publicly. There may be some acceptions to this rule - left to the discrepancy of Lyle or I.
5) Charlotte may "hang-out" in front of said boys house, but is not permitted to "hang-out" in front of other peoples homes.
6) Boys are allowed to come to Charlottes house and play in her yard when an adult is home.
7) If, on the rare occasion, a boy is allowed in the house Charlotte can entertain in the living-room. The boy MUST check with his parent. If it is okay'd by A living in the home  parent  she may have him in her room only if the Door is OPEN. THIS CAN BE VETOED AT ANY TIME!
8) Boys are Not to linger outside or in front of the house waiting or spying or taunting. (see #2)
9) Charlotte is most definantly not allowed to be out after dark.
10) The Consequence For Not Respecting Any Of These Rules Can Result in - grounding - loss of privledges - Mom or Lyle taking action (mom will and can embaress and make anyones life a living Hell if she wants too) - FINALLY - Loss of Trust (Most Bad) to ever play with boy in question again. (Forbidden)!!!!

WARNINGS!

seems you can't turn the News on these days without a WARNING popping up when the weather man/girl comes on.

Right now.  Have you heard?  We have a Rain Warning in affect for the Fraser Valley.

This coming on the heels on the Snow Warnings of last week and the Wind Warnings of the week before.  Next it will be a Flood Warning, currently in affect some places.  Come summer, when we should be able to be out enjoying the few sunny days that make our what we call "summer" here on the West Coast.  We will be subjected to UV Warnings.

Blog On Dudes

I broke my windshield wiper yesterday.

Mental note.  Turn wipers off when you park and turn off car.

It be bad when you turn on vehicle to warm it up whilst you remove the 20lbs of snow of the windshield only to find you were a dough-head the night before and now have a brokeded wiper.  Frig!

Now I have a kleenex under it so it doesn't scratch the glass till tonight when Mntn fixes it.  (its ok.  I live in a trailer park)

Oh Yes I did tell him about it yesterday.  Yup told him right after it happened too so that he would have lots of time after work to take care of said stupid girlfriend mistake.  Maybe this is his punishment for me.  He has told me before not to leave "stuff" on.  Hmmmmmm.

Ok.  Really I am going to get started on my bathroom now!  Right Now!  boy I can procrastinate...........

well that was wierd.

i jsut posted this twice with nothing written.  Guess I have an itchy return finger!

Incognito?

I am under this disillusion that when I wear my frog tuke, my glasses, and No make-up people don't recognize me.

thats not true...................

Christmas and New Years Now I on Holidays!

So its 2009.  WoW.  Very wacky from my brain that was born in 1969.  I remember the 70's.......afro's gaucho's bell bottoms.  The 80's.........blue eyeshadow final net and lay-down-on-your-bed-never-bend-again-tight-jeans.  The 90's........still some big hair  lots of Kelly Bundy spandex dresses and the appearance of midrif everywhere.

Hmmm ........ 2009.  I wonder what it will bring .........

We saw the new year in while driving the coast highway on our way to Campbell River.  Charlotte asleep in the back seat.  Mntn navigating the road me desperately trying to keep my eyes open.

At his Mom's house I giggled as we got into bed. 

The Mother-in-law bed.  Every joint, spring and bit of the frame made a noise.  We couldn't roll over without hearing clanking and squeaks.  So funny.  And of course we were in the basement right underneath his mom's room.  She planned it I know.

Now i am on holidays and just taking it easy.

My tree is still up and so are my decorations.  In my defense, I haven't been able to get into the shed outside for all the snow.  but I did today.  So I have a couple boxes in and can get started on the take down of Christmas.  It'll take all week I am sure.

Well when i started this post I had great things to write about.  now it seems I've lost my gumption and all my thoughts have flown out of my head.  Whatta ya know!

Mntn made an Igloo in the back yard last night.  Its pretty cool.  I'll have to put some pics up on my foto-blog.

well Off I go now to back some buns and get started on taking my tree apart.

Blog On Dudes

ever pour out a Full glass of wine down the sink and think........hey thats wierd........

Well Christmas passed.  It was wonderful.  WE made it out to my mom's even with all the snow.  Charley was sooo excited for her SAnta gift.  A guitar.  So far its been worth it!  Uncle John picked it up Christmas day and busted a string.  Bad uncle.

we got it home and then on Boxing day I fixed the string and popped another......TWICE....bad mommy.  Now its all good.

I've been working.  Shes been home with Mountain and will be for a coule more days.

WE head to Campbell River New Years eve to see Mntns mommy.  she lives forever away.

I've still been fighting this whtever it is.  non-painful sinus ear thing......Amoxycyillan isn't making it be gone the way I had thought it would.  I got my friggin period again.  My eye is funky red as we type.  What the Hell!  I am tired and feeling icky.  Actually I am feeling down right negative right now and there is no reason to be!  S I will sign off.

When I can remember all the great stuff about Christmas that I love I will write again.

Blog On

what is it?

2.5 - 3ft of the white stuff out there?!!!

i Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.  For those of you back to the grind like me tomorrow.....Good Luck!

Holy Snow Batman!

I don't know what's happening at your house......but Holy Heck and Dina!  There is a good foot and a bit of Fresh snow on my car!

I have to work today.  WE go to mom's tonight! Yikes.  

and the other thing - its a White Christmas!!!

not sure if I will make it out of my complex.  its higher than the front bumper!

ok

gotta run.  I must plow!

Ahhhh Yes Meds!

Well I have been unwell for a long time.

I get sick backwards.  Or perhaps, I never feel it come on because I am always so busy and my tolerance for EVERYTHING is so stinkin' high.  

meaning; i get what sick usually leaves behind before getting the sick.  Make sense?

Anyhow, the week of Madonna, back in October, I suddenly had a deaf ear.  I went to the clinic immediatly.  Nope.  Nothing wrong.  "are you sure?  I can't hear"  I was sent away with instructions to take antihistamine.  Ok.  Seemed logical to me.

WEll A few weeks ago now.  I felt a little.....something.  Not sure what.  and then all of a sudden I cou;dn't hear again!  Damn.  What The Hell!  Then last week my face all swelled up under my eyes like a sinus infection.  Yet I can still breath fine.  The sinus themselves don't hurt.  But the pressure behind my eyes sucks butt!  Lets not forget the ick that is leaking out.  I'm tired and dopey.  So after 2 straight weeks of this I went to the clinic last night and told the white lie that got me the medication I needed.  I told the Doc it hurt.

I feel guilty.  But it had to be done.  I've been taking back to back antihistamines for days and all I am getting is Dry mouth.  Filling my body with drugs is kinda not what I want to be toying with at this time.  Considering the other things we are trying to accomplish.  However,  I gotta hear Man!

So after my little guilty lie and my story, he prescribed me the biggest prescription of amoxycillan EVER!  28bux later.......I hope to be feeling Aces by tomorrow!

Blog On!

Oh Hey!  Has everyone heard about the sleepover ladies night at Stephs on January 10th???

the party was much fun.

the food fantastic.  I didn't drink that much, but got ended up smashed anyway.  I think it was from the lack of food.  We didn't eat till nearly 8PM.

than we went to another room where they gave out the prizes and I played some poker.  Won Too!  I did.  Than I got bored of that quick.  Gave up my chips and Mntn and I headed back to our littel cabin in the woods.

It was sooo nice.  a couple of rooms.  Fireplace.  Liz was right though - no tub.  That sucked a bit cuz a romantic bath would have been nice.  The shower was pretty small.  Just big enough for one, two if you got bits on the outside of it.

We both agreed that we should spend our honeymoon there.

All the cold and snow outside.  It was very romantic.

I fell over.  I really don't know how it happened.  I guess after I tripped over the door frame I couldn't get back upright and ran head on into ........well never mind.  I still giggle when I think about it.  like How The Hell!!!

one of the other girls thought it would be crazy and fun if she dove into the pool with all her clothes on.  It was the shallow end.  She and her boyfriend ended up in hospital for the rest of the night.  She has somehting like 13 stitches holding her head togehter now.  Youch!

On another note.......

My sister is so sad and broken hearted.  They've just found out that the reason they havne't been able to concieve in the last 18mnths is because her husband is pretty much sterile.  She is a mess.  She just crys and crys.  She can't see kids in the mall where she works.  T.V. is too hard.  Even her own niece is proving to be a task.  I am praying for them the the one swimmer he has makes to where it needs to be.  

She is fully into getting the in-vitro done.

I can't stop thinking about her.  I am sad also and grieving  too.

Ok.  Must run.  Unbury my car and get to work!

Blog On!

WoW!

Once the momentum takes hold........Kristi runs head on into a wall.

Carp.  the top of my head hurts!

oohh and my neck and my shoulders and....damn the bruise on the VERY top of my head is amazing.  Too bad there was 't film of it.  I'd still like to know how it came about........

I am pakcing Charley for gramma's packing myself for tonight.

My eye.  What is wrong with my eye?

last day of school.  Gotta make sure Teachers gifts are wrapped and ready.  Charley's secret Santa gift.  I need to do my nails aand shave my bits.  I hope we make out and checked in in enough time for me to do it.  I'm curling all my hair and then wearing it up.  Thats an Hour right there!  Frig!  I need to be off work earlier than 3.

Well, maybe the legs don't get shaved.........there all covered by hose anyhow.  but the pits definantly need it cuz they'll be out.

Crap I better run.  I can get that done right now!

Blog on

Christmas Party Tomorrow!!

YaY!  Mountains Christmas party is tomorrow!  Harrison.  The Copper Room.  Amazing buffet.  He upgraded us this year from our regular room to a cabin!  Hehe.  Apparently they have little fireplaces in them.  How nice is that.  hopefully the weather holds out so we can there 2morrow afternoon and home again SAturday safely.  Charley gets picked up by gramma for her yearly trip to the theatre.  Pantomime.  She loves it.  She gets all dressed up in her Christmas dress.  Gramma does her hair and off they all go.

I bought a little black dress this year.  Which is odd for me for Christmas.  but my budget was 50bux for a dress and shoes.  if I was gonna go over I was gonna need to wear something in my closet.  and WEll........I don't fit the stuff in my closet.  so I guess matching panties it would be.  Oh Crap!  I don't have any of those anymore either.  No worries.  I hit Suzy Shier when they were having one of their sales and got a dress for 30 and shoes for 20.  YaH!!!!  Accessories i can still fit so I just have to make that part work.  a new sparkly neck-deal would have been nice, but oh well.

Charley's Christmas concert is tonight.  She is excited.  I am too.  Wish I could hear though.  I've been sick all week.  I feel like dutie.  

well Off I go to drive in the snow and wind once more.  

Boy that wind is picking up.  There will be more power outages today I think.

Blog On!  

a Reminder

havning Steph remind me 'the plan' has set my thoughts in motion.

When did I become so consumed with whether or not i could concieve Right Now?

and thats it I think.  Thats more of what it is than anything.  The choice being taken away.  Do I want one?  a baby that is.  Yes.  Right at this moment??

my Jury is still out.

I believe evrything will happen when its meant to.

Do i want to be knocked up and taking my vows?  Not so much.  I'd like to take my vows and then have him move in and then have a baby......in an ideal world.

Being scared that the last bit won't happen has taken over and made me a crazy thermometer toting day counting ovulation worrier.

I'd like to wear a pretty dress on my wedding day.  Not a MooMoo.  Not taht anyone would see me anyhow, but still.  Thats part of my dream.  Its okay to dream.  I'd love to do it 'the right way'  Guess I'm just scared I "can't"

a year down the road and I've been done with periods and cramps and into the hot flashes on a more full time basis, thats it.

Doing the dream backwards isn't the end of the world.

i have done it alone before.  he and I not sharing the same roof till closer to my due date is not the end of the world.  Living with him on a ful time basis will be a challenge all on its own.  That one scares me more than anything else. 

but I think I have become far to consumed by it.  Too worried about it.  Too scared of the big M.  The Change.  So far the change has sucked.  Hormones raging and then not.  Greasy times a few years ago when it didn't seem I could shower enough.  The periods that were so freaky.  Now the ones that don't stop or take forever to get here.

My mom was done at 42.  

I started this crap earlier than her.    I think I hate that the choice is being made.

I have a beautiful daughter that I raised alone.  Mntn started helping a year ago.

We are good.  a family.

Mntn has more than made me feel secure that our future is togehter.  Our life together  has already started.  We just need to make it official and that will happen too.  Having it rushed along because of our desparation to beat the clock..........

a*new* plan.  a Backwards plan.  WE just start with the last thing first now!!

If its meant to be it will happen.

Thank you Steph for your few words that reminded me of that old plan

Basal Temp??

this is soo bogus.

I can't tell what the FFf I'm doing.  I think I just ovulated and missed it completly.  My temp.....or perhaps I didn't and.......hmmmmm.

I don't know.  But honestly, this was the last try, this month.  Cuz although i would very much like to concieve.....I sure as Heck don't want to be birthing past September of next year.  Especailly late November or Any of December or early January.  So this is it!  We either hit it this time or .........

DAmn I wish I knew what the Fuck I was doing!

What The Hell!

I'm awake at 7AM

Charlotte's not here.  She's at a sleepover.  Mntn is not here either.  He is working overtime.

my screen door is flapping in the wind.  That could mean a whole lot of things - I'm either true trailer trash, or knocked up, or i need to get a new Stupid screen door cause this one is dang busted!  

The screen door flapped so hard that it pushed my sideboard off my landing down the steps and onto the cement.  So I was out there in my Jammies and slippers at 7:30 AM lifting it back onto the porch!  and now it has a munged up corner Damn it!

I feel great even though I should have slept in and I should be tired since I was up past midnight and didnt have a kid or boyfriend here to bug me.......

I think I have lots on my mind and lots to do.  Wrapped some of Charley's sock prezzies last night.  I don't have near what I thought i did!  Damn!

Mntn's dad came up with a Christmas list so Now I have to actually shop for him instead of the easy "bottle of Rum" I was gonna get Christmas eve.  Frig!  I have Christmas cards to finish, shortbread cookies to make, Gingerbread men to attempt.  the tree MUST go up today!

Oh yah.....and Mntn's sisters birthday is Monday and I havne't sent her a card or a gift or anything!  Double Frig!  She's in England!   Friggidy Frig Frig!  

Okay I am off to Superstore to get the odds done and then pick up the Queen for our day full of Fun......I said that last bit through gritted teeth.  Could you tell?

I need more wine..........

Blog On!

Santa - dec.10th 2008

Question

how woudl you describe a stereotypical truck driver?

What do you think the stereo type is?

Do you know any?  What are their personality characteristics?

Excited......maybe

I'm excited that i might actually be having a normal cycle this month!  The first time since  summer or something.......  YaY!  We'll have to see.  So far so good.  I have a theory about this whole thing.  I mean Everything happens for a reason, right?  and up until now and even noe but not as much as before......Mntn and I were really at odds about this Leah Tea thing.  but Since we went to counselling, even though not much was accomplished in the session, there has been a lot accomplished out side of the session.  So I figure once this Carp is all good......well everything happens for a reason.

My other theory is that once Mntn and I are actually married he will see a lot of changes in Leah's actions too.  I think that whole thing will shift and change.  

We had an argument just the other night.  I found out, he can't read between the lines.  Something i'd learned before quite some time ago.  But I figured he must be able to just a little.  Like any man can.  Don't expect him to do it like a woman, but c'mon.  Every man can just a little.  NOPE.  not one teeny, tiny little bit.  Example - when I was upset after being at the doctors.  I posted.  I felt old broken ect.  I was off into space when he was here.  Making remarks about the acne he is breeding that that will probably be the only thing he breeds.  Stuff like that.  I had also told him I was upset by the doctor.  Yet he really didn't get to the extreme that I was sad.  Just thought my comments were wierd?  WTF!  He really didn't even clue in that I was devastated that I have not been ovulating, that my period was 8 days late and that I was scared that was it FOREVER!    Me Sobbing into his chest didn't seem to clue him up either.  Are you DAft man?  

Anyhow, my point being.  That explains a lot to why and how it is that he just takes Leah at her word.  He can't see her motivations cause he can't see the obvious unless it is spoken to him.

anyhow, i must go.

Christmas is coming and I need to get the Queen up and Ready as well as myself.

Blog On!

I am a Chef!

bought a whisk today.

I'm pretty happy about that.

I made hollandaise from scratch to go over the Cod I made for supper.  I t was YUM!  WoW!  Never made it before.  This is why I needed the whisk.

HOwever.  haven't been feeling all that great since yesterday.  Now I really need to be in bed and should have been for the day I am sure.  Of course Mntn reminded me of how I am allergic to eggs.  Holly is 4 egg yolks.........

What a dough-head!

It was fantastic Hollandaise, but there is a good chance I am going to be paying quite high for my wierd and wild craving of food, richness, and creativity.

Blog On!

I sure liked having free time tonight.

Mountain had Tea and picked up The Queen and took both of them to mini golf at Wonderland!  How awesome is that?  So I took the opportunity and shopped!

Santa had to get some stuff done!    There is still more but thats ok.  It will happen.

Then he dropped Queenie off and couldn't leave cuz his tire was flat.  What The Hell!  No I did't do it!

So.....Tea hung with Charley adn I hung outside while he changed his tire.  Hope he doens't get into to trouble with the Cow for having her here.  

Anyhow, its all done now.

I got a couple new SAnta ornaments for my tree.

I'm looking for a Ceramic pie plate for my mom.  Hmmmm.  Should've gone to Winners.

Blog On!

I Got It

I can start charting!!!

YaY!!

I'm happy to at least be achieving something.  Does that make sense?

i hate it when I wake in the morning and my eyelids are all swollen from crying.  makes the application of mascara nearly impossible.  lashes pointing down and all............

I am tired.  i yelled I cried. There is still more yelling to do

Feeling Old and Broken

Well then.....considering family history.......

i will be encouraging Charlotte to have her babies in her 20's

I am now charting my non-ovulation again as to Doctors orders.  he gave me charts and stuff.  i also insisted on a blood test to check my hormones from my thyroid.  I am certain its hormonal.  Doctor wants to be tedious.

I feel shitty, angry and stupid.

then the other part of me is like  Hey - if this is my menopausal body its not so bad.  Lots of women have Huge body changes/shapes.  Althoguh I am not altogether happy with my body shape, it ain't all that bad either.

That I will embrace later.  Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated.

and Where the Hell is my period!  Being irregular has never been soemthing I've ever been.  this is severely uncool.

I am feeling angry at the World

ovulation - menopause - fertility???

My ear is hot.

Why is my ear hot.

Frig!

When is my period coming?  Is this a hot flash?  Is there hope for me to not be going thru menopause?  I will cry huge huge tears if this is it.  Than I will kick myself for being right 13 years ago.  Than theres the whole "get hormonal help"  thing.  What if it Helps and we end up with 3 at once!  It would be a careful what you wish for situation for sure.  I'd give one to my Sister.  Theya re having troubles as well.  I see my Doc tomorrow to hit the next step.  Blood work and sample time!  Sister and hers just finished doing that a few weeks ago and are now waiting results.  I didn't want to go the next step till she had.  I want her to be pregnant first if either of us get to be.  

Blog On Dudes!

Did you know.........

if your Cell phone charger is plugged into the wall; even if its not charging anything, its still using energy?!!!!!

i did not.

I just learned something and unplugged my charger immediatly!

the  movie Little Women makes me Cry

Bought my DAughter her first pair of pumps.

I remember my first pairs of heels.  Very cleary as a matter of fact.  I was even a size 5 too!  This was a pretty special day.

Watching her walk around in them to "get used to them"  has also been memorable to be filed away in the mommy files.  WoW!  She is growing up!  I can only hope I have done an okay job to help her be a successful adult.  To achieve her goals, wants, needs and dreams.  I really hope i am doing my job.  Cuz, since, most people are afraid of confrontation,  they aren't about to tell me i suck!  So all I  an do is just hope I am doing an okay job.  Keep my eyes open and see my daughter for all and who that she is.  Guide her well and trust her.

Blog on!

held a baby tonight

put him to sleep..................

I might be good with that. Am I?

Flirting? Charlotte? HUH!

So last night a dear friend of Mntns stopped by with Beer.  He was needing his friend and some comfort.  He just broke up with his lady friend.......ANYHOW!!!  Charley calles him Mr. Dude.  Why?  I dunno.  She met him a couple years ago and thats what she dubbed him.  

So he was here last evening and this odd transformation came over my daughter.  As Mntn and I watched......she started to show off.  She lept about the living room.  "kept him informed"  she says of the current events of her life and sat down at the piano to play a tune for him.  My little girl was FLIRTING!!!!!

This straight on the heels of her funky breakdown Monday that I recognized as PMS emotional, irrational behaviour.  My girl has not been easy to rise n'shine as of late either.

Could it be?

Could it be the change is upon us?

Could it be she is has caught the Dreaded ............ PUBERTY!

So Christmas day is a month away!

i collected money from my partner at work and purchased a Fake tree for Boss M and Lady Boss for the restaurant.  It is their gift from us.  

then of course I remembered my lights for my tree all strings Blew last year!  That was money I didn't plan on spending.

Man I hope January isnt as bad as I am anticipating it to be.  I am breeding Bills as we speak!

Blog On!

Christmas is a Month Away!

My house is a shambles.

Christmas boxes Everywhere.  Christmas Decor that I am ACTUALLY getting rid of!  If you can believe it!!

4 Weekends left to get shit done and ready for One day of family giving.  Wow!

so Frrday is a Pro. D day.  I have booked it and gotten it off.  Charley and I will do Our final shopping spree together.  Christmas shoes for her.  I need a new sparkly top or cheap dress to wear to Mntn's Christmas party in a couple weeks.

Since Charley is "double digits" now we will be looking for her first pair of Christmas Pumps.  This will be a very special shopping spree.

Christmas cards should get started this weekend too I suppose.  I am not doing as many as I do other years.  Or as Much even.  I find myself with very tight purse strings anticipating January closure and February slowness.

Some tough months ahead when Christmas is through.

I hope I am wrong.........

Blog On!

SUCCESS!!!!

We talked!

We listened!

We communicated!  YaY for us!

We even came up with one thing that we could agree on to help me with my anger!  YaY us some more!

There is still lots to work through with this issue.  We even both agreed on that too!  and we are going to do what we can.  my middle ground is changing.

This is good.  Even though we didn't resolve all that much, if anything, it felt good to be going in a positive direction.

Blog On!

My cat is dying.

he hasn't eaten since Friday.  He's been drinking water......he is in no pain.  He just wants to be on my bed.  So i will let him.  He will die there.   It is ok.  its just a matter of time.  He's frail and weak.  He just wants to sleep.  And that is okay too.  I would like for him to go wihtout pain or Trauma of a "car-ride" and if sleeping on my bed is where he is comfortable in his last days .... hours than I will let him be.

Mntn is not back from White Rock yet.  I am chewing my thumbs off waiting.  I texted him an hour ago to see what his ETA is.  No reponse.  I HATE THAT!!!  Don't fuckin ignore me!  Than he wonders why i am so pissed.

We plan to "talk" tonight.  to excercise our communication skills that we didn't learn yesterday during our session.  

I am a mess.  No numbing.  Pure Kristi.  and I am getting madder and madder with each passing minute.

Please Help me Lord

..........and how was the Session............

Counselling Saturday Morning

holy heck and Dina!

I am nervous and not, all at the same time.

i don't htink he really thought i was going to go through with it when i asked him.

i am sure to be humbled

Blog on

Christmas is Only 5 weekends Away!!!

thats it - 5!

so much to do, so much to do.

Baking, decorating shopping Oh My!

This is awesome

He's agreed to the counselling.  I  am calling them today to book, but what do we do with Charlotte?  ACK!  Hopefully my Sister can help us out

So the rest of the Carp doens't matter.

What matters is that I am continually being excluded by his Ex for special occasions that involve the kid.  And he is going along with it.  That not a good partner makes.

It says to me that he is her partner still and I am being rejected by both of them.  and Nobody likes rejection.  by her, fine.  I can handle that.  By him........not cool.  Not cool at all!

partnership - no matter what kind it is, you gotta have each others back

I struggle with Charlottes heart

I let this one in

my heart has many scars............. he is being stubborn..........even if i pull thru with "counselling" as my shield.........i will hold on cuz thats what I do.  you will hear about it and all have opinions or may voice or not voice.

I am in the midst.....

couselling.  "yah I'll go, but it won't change what I feel"

well that just great!

so I wil go

I will set it up in hopes and I have to keep the min-set that I still have stuff to learn!

but when i look at it.....from the outside.  When i  look at it from the path.... thi is the beginning of the end.

I am sure there will be many many moments whent this is great and we'll get thru this and........i will hold on for Charley.  She loves him and this has is and was her first and only experience of a Dad.  I can't take that away from her.  Not at this stage in her life.

So I will smile.  Smile.  Smile.

Maybe great things wil happen concerning this subject>  If so then YaY!!!!  all I said is NULL and VOID!!

Maybe he made the decision for me and that is why he hasn't picked up his phone or answered me while I was on my home this evening.  FUCKER!

Which by the way had the most nicest evening out at Liz-bits.  if I can get my shit together and get Christmas stuff of my shed early enough I might just need to take a drive to hold an umbrella for my nieces Senior Photos!

hope thats okay?!!

Staying Focused

Will he meet with me and a 'someone'?

I don't know yet.  I will have my answer today.

but I have to stay focused.  I have to stay focused on my argument.  Its so easy to get caught up in everything else.  'well she did that and she did this and she is just a whore'  you know.  i get messy and that stuff isn't altoghetr relevent.

in my head this is how it might go.......

what brings you here?

my boyfriend has been invited to his daughters birthday party by his Ex-girlfriend

okay

i have not been invited nor has my daughter

and this bothers you why?

becasue I have been excluded and rejected and so has my daughter.

Help me with the next part!!!!  What would come next?  Questions to him?  to me?  and what are they?

Help!!

you ask I will answer in the most clinical way we can to keep emotions out.  its when the emotions start that it gets all muddled.  it has to stay factual

or does it.......

Help Me!

he just doens't get it!

so last night he was here for dinner

before dinner he was reading the paper.  There is a ski swap coming to tradex This Weekend.  Fine.  He wants to go.  Ok.  then he says ...... I'll see if I can get Tea this weekend and take her and Charlotte.

I said nothing. escept Uh-huh.

but I've been thinking about it ever since.

do I say no to this?  or do i say fine go and take Charlotte?  Use the time she is here to be honest with the kid?  Ask her myself hat she is doing for her Birthday and see where it leads.........

it may lead into her asking if Charlotte and I are coming.  If it does, do i say no cause your mom doens't want us there......

or am I just busy this weekend and Mntn is on his own?

I see this as a springboard opportunity to work from the inside.  Is that evil?

I am also looking into counselling.  I have yet to ask him.  We did talk about it a long lopng time ago.....but that was just for him, as he has many things he has not dealt with ie. his brothers death.  The conversation was short with the jist being he wasn't into it.  So I dropped it.  its his shit and if he's not 'ready' to deal with it its his choice.  Now WE are in a situation where we need some help communicating about this topic in particular.  i don't feel i am wrong and he doens't feel he is wrong.  Maybe we Both need our eyes opened.  Maybe i am wrong and dealing with this in a bad way.  Maybe there are some tools, more tools that I need.  Maybe this really is my fault and i am truly selfish and a the Bitch in this whole thing..........

Help!

a Flashback to the things I Didn't say

I may have neglected to mention that last night the phone was held to me after he'd already had a lengthy, private discussion with her.

After making it clear I didn't want to talk to her i took the phone.

I kept my mouth shut for the most part.  What am I gonna say that already has not been said.  and I was just angry.  So keeping biting my cheek seemed like the best option as to not spew out the hatred and anger that was brewing inside me.

I should never have held my tongue.

she commented on how she doens't want me there becuase she doens't think I like her kid, but then why ever agree to letting her come to my house at all ever!  Why?  If I think someone is a threat to Charlotte I protect her.  I go out of my way to keep her safe.  so why then?  Why let her come here and be in my care if I don't like your kid?

the answer is this....you fucking bitch......if you don't, you don't get your time off!

I did lay it out to her that she pawns off her kid every weekend to either her mother or Mntn.  Of course than i hung up the phone.  Not my most adult moment, but I was pissed and had listened to enough and tuned her out enough and the inside of my mouth had the taste of blood in it.  However I did hit a nerve and she was not impressed to be called a bad mother.  Even though those weren't my words.....thats what she got out of it.  Good you Bitch!

Mntn said that was just downright mean.

you ain't seen nothing yet if you think that was mean.

Watch out.  The gloves are off and I am Mad

Daft

under-valued.  I am under-valued.  Dis-respected.  being nice gts the same results as just letting my feelings fly.  So why am I giving myself an ulcer?  Why am I trying?  Why did I bother getting a ticket to the Nutcracker for her?  Why did I offer up a birthday party?  Why am I putting myself in a position to make Christmas happen here, special?  Whats the point? Why have i been working sooo hard at biting my tongue?  Keeping my thoughts to myself?  Choosing my words carefully?  Why?   it all gets me nowhere.

he doens't get why him, just him going is a problem.  Spoke to her.....she doens't get it either.  They are both Daft, deluded and delusional!

first he tells me he gets why and now all of a sudden he doens't.  What part does he get and what part doen't he?

This not about me worrying about losing my boyfriend.

This is not about me being jealous in the old sense of the word.

jealous that she has soooo much control over him.  Yah.  Jealous that their feelings mean more than mine. Yah.  Jealous taht he just can't seem to say no.......and stand up for me.......

sometiems being a prent is really really hard.  and sometimes it means saying NO

I cna't even explain it any more.  I've lost my words......feels like I've used them all up.  Why don't they see it?  Why does it not hit the, this is not normal, button for them?  How do you explain somehting to someone that is just blind.  "i feel like the whole world is against me"   Cuz They Are!!!  Cuz this is Wrong!!!   Cuz she is Pulling your puppet Strings!!!  She knows exactly what she is doing!  and I know she is smug in herself knowing she's under my skin.

am i the blind one?

this is your family.  Not them.  Sucks that Tea is in the middle, but thats what happens when families split.  So what if this was all in place before I came along.  So the Fuck What!  Apparently you used to fuck too.  but things change when couples split!  Things change when families come toghether.  Traditions change when there are new people invloved.  I am up against a wall.  I[ve tried my damndest to go around the wall over it under it.  My tummy is sick.  I have anxiety.  I am really really upset.  He gives her the respect, he takes any validity i may have and tosses it out the window, in front of that Cunt!

So what am I going to do now?

not sure.  Still thinking about it.'Split with him?  I cna't do this.  It makes me sick.  Christmas is coming and its going to be hell.  I am sick about it already.  same as i am sick about this party taht isn't happening for another 10 days.  Can i live like this?  Constant anxiety? Constant disrespect?  These are the things I am asking myself.

Forget taking the kid to the Nutcracker!  Forget baking a cake for her!  Forget a second Christmas!  Forget coming here!  If i am cut out and not included than I will sure as Hell be cut out!  

I've been told I am selfish and a bitch.   Oh yes and Jealous.  Apparently i am worried that she is after my boyfriend.  WoW!  No that is not what this is about!  I know you don't want to date him Leah.  I know he wants nothing to do with you.  its about control and right and wrong and mostly my ill feelings about it all regardless of the base of them!  They are not being respected!

but selfish?  am i being selfish and not know it?  they say I am being selfish wanting mntn all to myself.  Telling him what to do.  ordering him around.  Selfish?  Do you think I am being selfish? 

i suppose in the eyes of people that want somehting else to happen I could appear selfish in all this.  Selfish?  I have never been accused of that before and I don't know where to put it.

a Bitch?  well yes.  isn't that a given?  i am a Bitch and have been for years.  That I can accept.

this whole thing is eating me up inside.

this is how i am feeling right now.

that is how i feel

these ar my feelings.  I also feel like i am losing me mind

i am a raging alcoholic too.

life is sucking the life out of me.  so far 39 is sucking 

as it heats up

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Happy Birthday to Charley!!

its going to be a great day.

Touble in Paradise

Teaghans Birthday is upon us

i am purposley un-invited to the B-Day party.

Estrogen.

I have nothing but.  I need progestrone.  Thats why my boobs are constantly tender.  Thats how i can period without ovulating.  I'll be 39 on Friday.  Charley will be 10.  This all started when Charley was 2/3.  Only back then it was the onslaught of testosterone doing other things to me body.........

This is what my recent research has shown me.  i will go to the doctor next week and find out if i'm as smart as i think i am.

CAn it be fixed?  Yes apparently it can, with medication.

 my thyroid could be being an asshole too.  

Too much Estrogen also makes you fat!   Interesting.........

Blog On

still not ovulating

i am sad

New neighbors!!!!!

I might just run out with my camrea right now and take pics of them setting up the house in the dark!

cool!

Another Countdown!

Charley's 10th birthday is this Friday!

holy cow!  i can't believe she's 10.

She is just growing up before myine eyes!  Lately I've been feeling like I've been missing her.  So i have been making a conscience effort to take those extra moments with her.  When I tuck her in a night and tickle her back.  That kind of stuff.

As you have always known, working full time has sucked ass.  I would really wish I could be with her more.   If I could afford it I would be the first one doing it!  I am so so grateful that I only worked part-time till she was 3.  I miss that.  I miss not being able to pick her up from school every day.   Missing assemblys,  fieldtrips, and playdates.  Ideally, right now I'd either like to work Mon-Fri, like i do, but off to pick her up.  Or 3/4 days a week.  That wouls be awesome.  Hopefully.....one day.

But for now I don't so I will work my ass off and pay off debt!  Getting ready for the day that I can!

Blog On dudes!

I simply LOVE getting ID' a week before my 39th Birthday!!!

and I had my girlfriend with me!  so I have witnesses.  It really does happen!

Grrrr

My boobs are still heavy and painful from before my period that started last Friday.  They should have eased.  Theya re not.  I am poufing up with lost hormones.  Its like a period gone bad! Did it happen.  Didn't it?  What The Hell!

I am bitchy.  I am tired.  I ache.  My Boobs - what the Hell are they up to?!!

stick pee and not ovulating.  maybe I just don't.  Maybe thats it.  but a period without ovulation.  What a friggin waste of time!

i am irritated.